Hoppy Easter, Part Three

Dear Hello Kitty,

Sorry it's taken me so long to finish this story, but I had to beat an addiction to painkillers because of it LMAO!!! Now it's almost like Easter was totally a bajillion years ago, but y'know what I say? WHAT-EVA!

Anyway... have you ever seen A Christmas Story? Of course you have, Hello Kitty! You've seen and done everything! Your face is on posters, keychains, pencil boxes, cartoons, books, backpacks, underwear, t-shirts and totally like a thousand million other things. All at the same time! That's a supernatural power called translocation, Hello Kitty, and you have it! Among other magical Hello Kitty powers. Is there anything you can't do?

In A Christmas Story, there's a scene where a bunch of dogs run into their house and eat the Christmas turkey and everyone's upset and they have to go to a Chinese restaurant for Christmas. After all the mean treatment I got because of my Hello Kitty eggs, I wanted to get back at my family. And A Christmas Story totally gave me the idea LOL!

There aren't any wild dogs in Arizona, Hello Kitty. But there sure are coyotes! They bark and howl all night by where my parents live. They have to keep their garbage in the garage until the last second, or else the coyotes will come and rip it up and eat their trash ROFL!!!

I thought: wouldn't it be funny to see the looks on my family's faces when a pack of wild coyotes run into the house and eat the Easter Ham?! Sure would LMAO!

But how to get the coyotes in there? At first, I thought of baiting them with pieces of the ham. But what if I used all the ham before the coyotes were even in the house? It would be funny to make my mommy lock herself in the bathroom and cry and smoke her secret stash of cigarettes because I fed all the ham to coyotes. But no... I wanted a big scene.

So I took some sliced turkey from the fridge when no one was looking LOL! I went out into the desert and threw slices of sliced turkey all over the place. I knew it wouldn't take long. And it totally didn't, Hello Kitty! First, I saw one coyote. Then I guess he told all his coyote friends, because soon there were a bunch of them. Like ten! And they followed me around everywhere, waiting to see when I was gonna drop another piece of turkey.

More coyotes came. And more. There were dozens! Who knew there were so many coyotes in the desert?! Anyway, since there were more coyotes, I thought I had to drop more turkey to keep them following me. But I dropped so much turkey that I ran out LOL!

What a bummer. All that work, and I didn't have anymore turkey to get them to follow me home and eat the ham. I was tired from wandering around the desert, anyway. I had no idea getting back at my family was gonna be so much work LOL! I was hot and thirsty. I just wanted to go home and drink OJ out of my Hello Kitty cup, the one with the silly sippy straw LMAO! (You know the one, Hello Kitty. YOU KNOW THE ONE, DON'T LIE).

But the coyotes kept following me! If only I knew they'd do that, I wouldn't have fed them so much turkey! Totally rad. They were gonna come home and eat the ham, anyway!

So I headed for my parents' house. And guess what, Hello Kitty? The coyotes followed. They barked and howled, and even more coyotes showed up! Now there were like almost fifty of them! That's a lotta hungry coyotes!

Boy, I found that out the hard way.

They kept getting closer and closer to me. They got close enough to sniff at me. First it was only a couple that were like totally brave. I thought that was cool. I love nature LOL!!! Then more coyotes got closer to sniff at me. And more and more. Soon, I was walking in the middle of a big, sniffing coyote crowd!

I held up my hands and said, "Sorry, guys! I'm all out of turkey!" But, you know what? Coyotes don't speak English! I don't know if they even speak Coyote! 'Cause if they did, why would they bark and howl and sniff instead of talking in this totally cool coyote language. DUH-HUH!!!!

Maybe they did speak English, and just didn't believe me. Before you know it, Hello Kitty, those coyotes were biting my clothes, looking for turkey. I think they smelled like the turkey juice in my pockets or something. I know -- EW, right?!

They liked that turkey juice smell so much, the coyotes started biting me on the pockets. But my pockets were part of my clothes, which are right next to my skin. So they were biting me, Hello Kitty! Those crazy coyotes didn't mean to, but they were biting my pants hard enough to make me scream and cry "OWWIE-OW-OW!" I tried running away. But, ya know what, Hello Kitty? Coyotes are faster than people LMAO!!!

They chased me and tackled me and I fell face-first into the sand. They were biting me on my pants and on my shirt and my shoes and my hair! They were biting me and biting me and biting me! No matter how much I cried and begged them to stop, they didn't care.

THE COYOTES KEPT BITING ME, HELLO KITTY!!!

Lucky for me, this nutty old golfing man was driving home in his golf cart when he saw the giant pile of coyotes attacking me. He ran at them with his golf clubs. He hit them and hit them. He yelled awful things at them. Swear words!!! Good thing, though. That wrinkly old weirdo's clubs and swear words chased off the coyotes before they forgot about the turkey juice and just ate me ROFLMAO!!!

Soooooo.... long story short, an ambulance came and took me to the hospital. They sewed up all my coyote bites. The doctor said I'd probably only have permanent scarring on ten to thirty percent of my body. Whew! I don't wanna look like Frankenstein's monster, Hello Kitty, not if I'm ever gonna find a girl who likes Hello Kitty as much as I do. (As IF!)

Later, my dad yelled at me for missing Easter ham dinner. That's what I call irony, Hello Kitty! I didn't like it when he yelled at me. I always hear you should kill people with kindness. I feel like one day I'm going to run my dad over with a bus made out of my kindness.

The doctors gave me some pills for the pain. I put them in my Hello Kitty Pez dispenser LOL! They were like the most awesome candy in the world. I ate them and ate them.

But when I got to the bottom of the Pez dispenser and didn't find anymore, I got really sad. Really really really sad LMAO!

Which is why it took me so long to finish telling you about my totally Hoppy Easter Hello Kitty! I LOVE YOU!!!