Baby Hello Kitty Pt. 1

Dear Hello Kitty,

Do you ever want to crawl back in your mommy's womb? I know I do, Hello Kitty LMAO!!!

I want to curl into a fetal position and suck my thumb and dream of innocent things like love and sparkles and... ice cream sprinkles and of course you, Hello Kitty LOL! And never come out again, because the world is full of cruel meanies like my family, who make fun of me just because I love a cartoon character and I'm addicted to painkillers ;-) j/k lol brb!

But I thought that would be silly, for a bunch of silly-billy reasons. If I was in a womb, I wouldn't be able to watch Hello Kitty animation, play Hello Kitty video games or drink orange juice (which secretly has some tequila in it - shhh!) from my Hello Kitty sippy cup! What a boring life that would be. Boooo....

Then I found out there's a Hello Kitty maternity ward! In Taiwan (wherever that is)!!! Boy, those kooky Asians think of everything, huh LOL?

At first I thought, "Oh, those lucky Taiwanese babies will get to come out into the big, meanie world, but they'll be comforted because the first thing they see will be Hello Kitty's face, and they'll know there's someone out there who loves them unconditionally ROFL!" There are lotsa animals in the animal kingdom who fixate on the first face they see when they're born and love that face forever. So all of those Taiwan babies will love Hello Kitty more than their stupid mommies - just like me! From day one, they'll know that Hello Kitty is kinder and purer than any human ever, including mommies, which was something that took me years to figure out, even with therapy and medicine :-o! I won't be alone in the world anymore LOL!

But then I thought - the only thing better than being like those babies, is to actually be one of those babies, born in the Hello Kitty maternity ward! It seemed impossible. How would that happen? I'm too big now to climb back up my mommy's hoo-hah.

What's that, Hello Kitty? (Sometimes the squeaky voice in my head that I'm pretty sure is you... well, sometimes it's hard to make out, Hello Kitty. Especially - and luckily - when the voice gives me instructions that would get me sent to the principal's office, or jail forever LMAO!!!)

Can you repeat that, Hello Kitty...? OH! How do I know for an absolute fact I'm too big to climb back up my mommy's hoo-hah and go back to the womb?

Just trust me on this.

I SAID - just trust me on this.

Shudup n drap the fuking subjeck u gddamm mutherfukr.

Wait... I have another idea LOL! The problem is my body is too big! And it's all covered with burns and coyote bites and addiction! It's a bad body that can't go back in the womb.

But what about my soul, Hello Kitty?! What if my soul could be reborn in another body, this time in the Hello Kitty maternity ward so I can do it all over again, and this time do it right and with love and this time I won't black out in fifth grade and wake up with a dead cat wearing make-up in my bed with Hello Kitty bed spreads ROFLMAO!!!!!

Today is Christmas, Hello Kitty! (Merry Christmas, by the way!!!) It's a celebration of the birth of Jesus. Well... if Jesus can be reborn, so can I, right?

(What's that, Hello Kitty? I'm being sacriligious? I don't know what that is, but I think you'd better shut up LOL!!!)

Now all I have to do is figure out a way to clone myself so my soul can be reborn in Taiwan! This'll be the bestest adventure yet, Hello Kitty ROFL!!!